Art of the day:
“Girlfailure” is a funny term I learned this year, and chose to identify myself with to some degree. The antithesis of “girlboss”, a “girlfailure” is perceived as unkempt, lazy, and overall lives a “pathetic” and even mentally unstable existence to the point where it becomes endearing. The urban dictionary definition is too good of a fit, where I’ve locked myself out of my car, my home, forgot what I was doing, lose train of thought a lot… what was my point again? On the surface it seems like an insult, but it’s a playful jab at what a “trying to keep your shit together” lifestyle is like, with a dash of staying up too late playing video games. Also, let me be real: I dislike clothes. I’m always going to choose a baggy hoodie and jeans or pajama pants over something dressy. I rarely do makeup. It’s only in the past year or so where I’ve made more of a visible effort to express myself though clothing with a graphic tee or cosplay. Beyond this: I want for nothing. I maybe just want a clean warm healthy meal, a treat here or there, and a roof over my head. Ironically, this can frustrate some people.
Song of the day:
Part of the “girlfailure” assessment for me this year has been looking back at what once was. More than self discovery – a deeper reflection and “re-discovery”. Remembering who I was, and perhaps why I was that way. Music is a big part of this journey, so I immerse myself in the memory and the mood of the time. I’ve come to strongly value media of the past, and heard a lot of these demos from LP for perhaps the first time. This track, there is a lot of self-blame. Rather, taking the blame; because one feels misunderstood. It resonates with me, as I was, as I can be – with a “it doesn’t matter” type attitude I can come of with. It’s not apathy, I do care! But what I want for dinner? Makes no difference, I want food, and am grateful for it. “Every day is exactly the same” may be a better fit you think, but this isn’t about monotony. Something so simple as not making a decision can frustrate someone to no end, and to my spouse of course I must apologize. I do fit a certain stereotype and I have always been the first to kneel and take blame for causing anger. Even as a child, I sent myself to my room. That of course, can make it much worse. Listen, it’s not that serious. I’d rather spend my time and energy on things that actually matter… to me That’s all. That’s selfish, I guess. Should I pretend to want?
Thought of the day:
All of this “want for nothing”, outward appearing apathy, and decision to seclude with projects once again comes back to cause me undue stress during the holidays. I am “impossible to shop or gift” for. Listen, I am the number one hater of late stage capitalism and I don’t want to live in some gen x tradition of string lights and giving a gift to someone for no reason at all. It should be about family, and getting time with them, pure and simple. It should be about memories. Maybe, the gifts create memories. That I can understand. As a child, I dreamt and wanted for things and got them. I was lucky. Now? I am more selfless and want to give. I want give myself, I want to dedicate my time to share what I love, what I have experienced, and care for creatures by volunteering at animal shelters. When someone asks what I want for Christmas, I answer selflessly: because that is what I want. I would like you to make a donation. I would like an item to use at the shelter to make cleaning easier. Then, even when I do answer earnestly with some item I want: it’s still impossible. I want an n64 game. I want large expensive shelves to store them on. These items don’t exist, are hard to get, likely will not fit my standard, and so “I am impossible”. I’m just not sure why this isn’t okay. I’m 37 years old, asked kindly for no clothes, and am still getting uncomfortable tight fitting “cozy” socks lined with faux wool. Scented soaps, candles. It’s all so stupid and pointless to me. I get it though, money and a gift card are cop-outs or whatever. I just don’t think I should have to feel guilty about it. And I don’t think anyone should feel guilted into giving gifts to anyone.
Leave a Reply