For the first time in 5 years I have a full time job, health insurance, can save money, and I’m completely wiped out by 9pm. The comforts of stability; but free time is an illusion. 3hrs at best per night. Am I even really enjoying that free time if its dedicated to one game? I don’t know anymore. I don’t think so. What I used to enjoy, engaging in a fray, devising strategies, slaying my dragons – I must accept I cannot meet my own standards let alone others I agree to game with. It’s a compound sadness to make necessary sacrifices, and the nature of MMO addiction. I’ll work on a backlog of other games I’ll say, start a play through and never finish. There’s no such thing as “casual” for people like me. “Midcore” is a fallacy; even dedicating the full 15 hours per week if I tried I would never be able to be the player I want to be. Extending time beyond that reaches extremes that would effect my health and relationships.

I would play for 12 hours a day sometimes. 16. The characters I had created on the screen were extensions of myself, completely immersed and lost within that space – a force, reliable, at the highest level of play. Is this really what I wanted, or was it ego and praise from perfect strangers? They celebrated my dedication to provide items, be on time, play well. I’ve all to often been abandoned, however. Even so , I would play alone with randoms, get recruited, have guilds disband, groups change servers, voices and aliases lost to time. “Are you the same x name from y?” I’d get asked sometimes: no, I just pick common aliases. Lore accurate, memes, philosophical. How much of my lifetime have I actually spent in these other worlds? a simple /played command in some of them answers the question. However, the private servers are lost forever. And the years played there can no longer be measured. So here I am, sad that I can’t meet a like minded group of people that have a realistic schedule, depressed the players I do meet are sub par and have the freedom for idle time. Preparation for one night of a solid three hours of raiding would take multiple days in WoW. XIV’s grind is repetition, fail, succeed, repeat, one step forward.

Like an essay or a long test, comprehension, completing thoughts, all fade into a void after a few written lines. I was never able to test well in school. Focus is lost, fatigue bests me, the fog sets in. I love brawlers, action rpgs, high speed high reaction games. Something that tests my memory, speed that challenges my execution… and I can’t do it anymore. I’m frozen, paused, delayed. My body can do the motions but my mind cannot keep up. Even though I study, I take notes, I know what I’m doing wrong – I slip and fall. So why bother? Has my mental been so shattered over the years with psychosis, that now I suffer a permanent “slow”? I miss words in my sentences. I mispronounce things. I misspell words. I lose train of thought. And worse, I get overstimulated.

I have to wonder now, with the aide of the top top shelf noise cancelling headphones – how long I will be like this. If I don’t wear them, the ambience drives me mad. The whir of a fan. The mumble of near by voices. It stirs me, aggravates me. I can’t focus, I can’t make take action, because I can’t make judgement calls. So what do I do, add a fourth pill to the regimen? A stabilizer, an anti depressant+sleep aide, anti anxiety, and uppers during the day?

I don’t feel guilty, I feel empathy for those I play with. That I have to leave them, like others left me. The truth is, a lot of MMOs have adjusted to people like me. A big chunk is solo-single player story stuff, you can wait in line to queue with strangers in that dungeon and never interact. I find it so dreary.

I should finish that project. I should finish that game. I should start another, stick to short bursts of things… keep to myself. I’ve not had a solid group of friends to game with in years. Everyone moved on to simpler things, gacha and maybe the odd indie game – short and sweet.

If you’re not having fun… stop playing. If you get tired, rest. If you can’t commit, don’t. Then where is my escape? I could try to read, but I will fade. I don’t think I can change, but I have to let go. I need my blog, I need to archive, I need to find new music. I need to play more video games. I need to play with my cats. I need to keep up with cleaning and the house (been doing a great job actually). I can’t crash out over MMO’s due to fatigue. I can’t waste other peoples time; and I’m wasting my own.

My father is in the hospital again. I’m crashing down to earth, my feet firmly planted. And I just want to go back to that empty silence in my head, kill a monster, level up, and slay my dragons.