I often think back to the type of people I chose to surround myself with. Some would see me and probably think I put myself in danger. Others may think it cool, or that I had safe and fun interests. Over time, these people faded and we lost connection. I walked away, mostly wanting to change myself. Never satisfied with “who I am”. Always seeking the person I thought I should be. I chose to surround myself by random people online. They shaped me, exposed me to both good and bad things. Could I call them “friends”? After more than a decade – yes, some absolutely. Now, the new ones I do make, are much younger. And the shades of the past sometimes filter through. Times have changed, and some of these friends I met – I had to cut off. For the first time in my life, I am beginning to understand – these are not people I should be around. I do not want these people to shape me, I am formed, and I can think for myself. Like a chameleon, I would change colors depending who I am with. I wanted to fit in, I wanted to be cool. That was part of “finding myself”, and making myself in the image I thought was good.

In recent years, I’ve lost at least four closer people in my life to bigotry. I was blind to it really, I would post a funny image of a twitter post, a discord conversation. I mentioned a great community I found. One that exposed me to technology I enjoyed; discord bots, the opportunity to learn more javascript, css, inner-workings of various software. Like most servers tease after pride month, “It is now July 1st, meaning homosexuality is no longer allowed”. Some Melee posters even say, “now this character is banned”. Or post clips, you know the one, “taunt if str8” into a Marth getting falcon kneed. These are posted by members of the LGBTQIA+ community and harmless imo. The server names, the banners, the icons, bright and colorful, and I know the flags and colors well (I fly a flag of “gender apathetic”, under a nonbinary tree myself). However, when I chose to invite this friend to the community (they previously worked on IRC bots) I was met with a shocking response (this was in 2023).

“Idk what that server is but it sounds like it needs to be nuked from orbit before the contagion spreads. Why can’t people be fucking normal and stop blurring the lines for everything. Not everything has to be an outlet for autism or gender dysphoria”

Pure hate. Vitrol. Poison.

“She’s in there for discord code shit and they won’t stop talking about penises and gays. Why does that have to be in there it’s entirely unrelated, because I’d love to be somewhere on the internet and not constantly wade into a discussion on who’s gay and who hates the gays. You can’t be pro pride somewhere without all the biggoty assholes showing up and it’s just getting tiresome”

Ignorance. Perhaps, projection (this individual is a known transvestite / cross-dresser, by the way – no kink shaming). I had always welcomed them. For ten years. Yes, we used the gamer words, the slurs before. They had long left my vocabulary. I had no response. Stunned, the conversation continued with others while I watched.

A friend replies “Bigots want to shut down the discussion of it so they can pretend non-hetero-normative people don’t exist” They posted images of Astolfo, a Fate anime character known for gender bending.

There… weren’t arguments, mostly making fun of the intolerance. I should have banned them. I let it go. Because we came from the old internet, because we were old friends. I did not share the views, maybe I thought they were joking. No one could ever be this… hateful. Benefit of the doubt. A massive flaw in my judgement. This is the guy that took womens studies in college. This is the guy that bragged about knowing the psychology and statistics surrounding these topics. It all started to make sense.

My small group of friends would openly talk about politics. Yes, we lean left. In 2023, a few days after this persons statement, the good eggs discussed the harm of Twitter. In July of 2023, I learned Nazi signaling via “numbers”, flagging individuals as white supremacists on social media. A few days later, Threads launched in an attempt to de-platform twitter users. DOA. At the same time, I was still playing World of Warcraft. I started to realize how wide the “divide” was. I started to pay attention with who I surrounded myself with. The words they used. I tried to fight back. I was reasonable. A handful would begin to reach out privately.

Gendered bathrooms. An antiquated construct. God fearing men with bible quotes in their profile would reply with slurs, graphic comics, and issue death threats to random people. Deranged, and yet here I was – still sharing a space with these people. My guild master in WoW had posted their “fear” for women having “their space” invaded.

It got worse.

I knew another person that I shared a love of vectoring, and photoshop skills with. We’d collaborate on guides, teach other about tools we used to edit anime pictures into wallpapers, resolutions, colors, gradation. Digital art. We were self taught. This person liked to spend time in VR chat. What an amazing concept that is – you can be anything in an alternate world. The ultimate safe space, right? I learned more damning red flags, signaling – closeted biggotry. “I’m okay being around my gay friends, I just don’t think they should wear womens clothing in public”. “I don’t mind talking to my gay friends, but I think they are degenerate, as long as they aren’t doing that around me”. “I think its degenerate to wear clothes that aren’t made for you in public”. So you would go into VR chat, and pretend to be something you’re not… “I don’t hate them, I just think they are degenerates”. I left their chatroom, blocked them with a final goodbye: “I don’t tolerate intolerance”.

That year, I landed in the psych ward for the third time in my life. Another 2 week stay, my mind was flooded, overwhelmed with these messages. Why was this happening? What happened to the people I knew? I felt forced into seclusion. Prior to my admission, I was abusing marijuana heavily. Maybe as a coping mechanism to stop the chronic depression I felt after seeing true colors. I had nightmares. I had the most horrific panic attacks I’ve ever experienced. I threatened staff, unbridled rage, fueled paranoia. I lost faith and trust in everyone around me. This was the reality: and the drugs fanned the flames of anxiety and paranoia. I worried about perceptions, I was angry at the world. And Twitter – the online spaces I chose to be in – fanned a flame that consumed me and left me as a pile of ash.

With a stern warning, and two new scripts, I stopped all substance abuse cold turkey. I deleted accounts. I banned people from my servers. I blocked who I could. I got better, and I was clearer of mind, conscious, and judgement. Yet I struggle with the shades of the past. The ghosts, the phantom of where I was and who I was with a decade ago. Would they take over? I worry that I would be possessed by this virus that infected so many people I thought I knew and could trust. “A Scanner Darkly” comes to mind. A horror only managed through medication – the fear of perception a permanent scar. How do you see me, am I a good person? I mean well. Do I use the wrong words? Did I misgender you? I didn’t mean it. That’s not who I am.

When 2025 began, I felt more hollowed than ever. I saw the direct effects of hatred to the people I love. They had thoughts of suicide, they were hopeless, many trapped in toxic environments. Their lives and well being threatened by simply being in a State in the US. Haunted by imagery, I worried deeply some may experience the horrors I’d gone through by melting down. On new years day, I did something I’ve never done before – a compilations of scenes and moods in Anime played alongside music. “I woke up in a mood”. Sewerslvt – It Just Gets Worse

Emptiness. Nothing to wake up to. Torture, having to witness people slowly die. Suicide by social media. And it keeps getting worse. I’m stable now, I’m safe… but I can’t ignore the suffering. Without true friends, my spouse, a supportive network… I would be dead, too.

Twitter kills. AI murders. Delude and seclude… it happened to me. Don’t let it happen to you.

It’s only going to get worse. I’m worried the phantoms will possess me. The ghosts haunt me. I am silenced, yet I must speak. This is what they want. To silence you, to make you afraid… and I can’t save anyone.