Oh, when I’m gone,
Nothing’s left,
I hope there’s someone…
Who appreciates,
Our time…
Appreciate,
Your time, timeless time…

Lyrics from Lematire – Appreciate… while the song itself is almost self-loathing, “I don’t deserve money since I don’t know how to appreciate it” as a summary for the opening part of the song, I’ve found myself well… appreciating. Or at least. Hoping people know I appreciate them. Looking back at my old posts here, thinking back to just last year when the world seemed to spiral into hatred and despair. I’m hurting in an unexpected way. While others seem to have lost it, my empathy grows.

The last few days, I’ve felt myself be in a “sorrow” state. One where I find myself with a furrowed brow, someone may ask if I’m okay or say “I look like I’m thinking”. Well, that’s because I am. I’m reflecting. This isn’t a sad post, no. I am happy – so I have time to reflect. So I think, “what has made me happy?”. Genuinely, it is the people who interact with me in a regular, positive way. Who may even humor me on a tangential subject. Even at my own expense, I can laugh at myself and admit maybe I’ve been a bit too expressive or attached to some random frivolous subject. That’s the thing though, it’s not just “whatever” it’s time I’ve spent talking about something I like, something I brought up – and people engaging in that. I don’t think I appreciate that enough. I think I worry I’ll lose it.

I have always wanted to be a “do gooder”; being raised within a Catholic culture (especially under my father, a selfless community volunteer). In a way, you can kind of be selfish with your own desires in that regard – you’re volunteering for a cause that’s important to you, but that’s at the cost of time you could be spending with others. Self interest is all I’ve been about lately, it feels. I guess I thought, I could set an example and others would follow. I guess I thought that maybe people could read and learn and I could change their perspective for the better.

That’s simply not the case, and will likely never be the case with the perfect strangers I meet online or people at large. So, here I am on what feels like an edge. Or am I at a wall? It’s not me looking down. I’m looking up and trying to figure out how to climb; how to grow. Manners? Have them. Kindness and respect to strangers and the common worker like me? Yeah I think so (even though I’m a bit of a tease or bully online, it’s just for fun). No, I think I should stop looking up, stop looking down. I think maybe I should stay for a while. Look at who is around me. Appreciate who I have, what I have.

My life is ups and downs. I am bipolar type 1, and yes things like weather and hormones affect my mood. Right now, I have to take a breath and make sure I’m on stable ground. Right now, I have to look left and right and keep those with me close. I have to let them know I appreciate them. But how?

The best way to let someone know you appreciate them is quite simple I think. Be there, be open, don’t change. A rock, a place to rest. A consistent presence. A friend. A thank you.

But why does it feel like sorrow sometimes? Am I really empathetic, observing the right emotion? Is this loneliness, is something missing? Or am I just going through a moody emotional time of my own right now? I don’t know. But I appreciate your time. And I hope you know I appreciate yours – because I’m trying to figure some things out. Those people being there help me through the day, I see you alongside me. I’m learning how to appreciate. I just hope you know I do.