pictured: keychain created by jennipuff , holding 1mg clonazepam
I recently went to a Super Smash Brothers tournament called “Full Bloom” in Indiana. I met some incredible people, players of all ranks and walks of life (more on video games later) They hosted a small artist alley, and there I saw this keychain. I purchased it without hesitation. I clipped it to my shirt the duration of the event. To me, this is an important and critical message. Some eyes gazed to it, and I think it made some people uncomfortable. Even so, this is my truth and practice. It’s a message I want to send, I want people to hear. It’s okay to talk about it. Stop the stigma.
Routine
Self care extends beyond medication. After all, not everyone needs it. So, what is self care? How do I know I’m doing a good job? The keys to the kingdom lie within one simple thing: Routine. For the chronically/clinically depressed, this discipline is life’s greatest challenge.
”Even the people who never frown eventually break down” ~ Linkin Park – Pushing You Away
Someone struggling to find reason, purpose – what can you do to “break the cycle”? Well, have you tried reinventing the wheel? (haha). Depression can last months, or years. A lifetime. You can’t rely on others, or medication alone. The first step to starting a routine is altering your perception. If you want to get better, you have to want to get better. Where there is a will, there is a way.
Step 1: Affirmations
Affirmation is the practice of self encouragement through repeated positive statements about yourself. Chronically depressed individuals continuously “push down” on their emotions, stifling themselves, allowing build up of stress and emotion. Eventually, they “overflow”. This can lead to lashing out on others, desperate cries for help, or the worst; self harm or suicide. Think of it this way: You’re already talking yourself down in your head every day. “I can’t.” “It’s not worth it.” “I’m not good enough.” “I’m going to fail.” Recognizing this negative train of thought is the first step to rewiring your brain. Yes, it’s been mocked as a pseudo-science. In 1991 Al Franken debuted with an SNL (Saturday Night Live) sketch introducing the character Stuart Smalley. “Stuart” ended the skit looking in a mirror and offering themselves the iconic catchphrase:
As funny as it was, in reality, Al Franken brought dark topics like addiction, dysfunction, and the danger of enablers to main stream media. Affirmations may seem like a silly thing – and maybe that’s the best starting approach. Have fun with it. So long as you keep a scheduled practice to structure a positive mentality, I strongly believe this discipline is one of the best starts to managing depression.
Felt cute; might delete later~
With tools like social media at the ready; we’re tempted to post and seek “free” validation and instant gratification from others online. This is fine! Maybe you DO feel good, maybe it was hard to take that photo and post it – but PROCEED WITH CAUTION. You can end up relying on others to define you, and reduce your self worth! If you’re depressed or doubting, you must be warned – overindulging yourself with this activity will leave you begging for acceptance at every turn.
”If you can’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?” – RuPaul
Only you yourself can ground yourself in reality. Ultimately, affirmations are reverse psychology. “Don’t fool yourself”, right? I think you can. Affirmations come in tandem with other self care practices, so even if you think this practice is silly and pointless – aim to accomplish something, and tell yourself you did a good job today. If you want, reward yourself. Just make sure its healthy, and in moderation. Please. EVERYTHING in moderation! An old man I used to know would reward his hard days work with… ginger ale. Yes that’s right. A can of ginger ale. Once per week. Of course, I would strongly caution against associating substances with reward. Even food for some. You don’t want to build a bad habit. (more on substance abuse and habits later)
Step 2: Hygiene
Ah yes. The elephant in the room. The smelly cat lady. Listen; I get it. Some people out there are actually physically disabled and can’t wash themselves. However, I strongly believe that this is THE #1 sign that someone is struggling mentally. “I don’t have the time.” “I don’t have the energy.” Yes, getting out of bed is hard enough. Living with other people and sharing one bathroom is extremely difficult. The truth is: you don’t care. If you did; you’d find the time. You’d find the resources. You’d be doing it. When I worked at the YMCA, we let someone in for free when the club first opened at 5AM. He was living out of his car. We let him use the showers. He did his best to get by every day. In spite of the circumstances, he cared.
Calling someone out on poor hygiene typically ends in one of two ways: the individual secludes themselves and nothing changes; or the individual lashes out and cuts off contact with you. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t speak up. There’s a time, a place, and using the right words. However, we are responsible for ourselves. You can’t expect other people to approach the subject and intervene, in fact you’re probably blind to it now. Well, what about “I’m just naturally this way.” “I have bodily issues that prevent me from fully being clean.” That struggle is real. In fact, some people grow up in such bad environments they were never able to properly clean or even learn to wash themselves. In that situation, I can only hope you or someone else has resources available to them to better your wellness and quality of life. If someone approaches you about this issue; please don’t take offense. We just want to know if you’re okay.
Hygiene isn’t just about taking a shower, though. It’s doing laundry, folding laundry, putting laundry away, dishes, taking out the trash, vacuuming, cleaning the toilet, dusting, sweeping, cleaning the stove top and counters, keeping supplies available, my god it’s so much. It’s completely overwhelming. An impossible, insurmountable amount of tasks and upkeep. Furthermore, when you’re in a shared living space – you can’t control what other people do. One of my biggest triggers is cleaning. My mother would aggressively clean when upset or stressed. The sheer aura surrounding her rooted a fear in the process. The yelling, the nagging, eventually nailed into me that it would never been good enough. So why bother? If you’re like me, I hope that you are able to escape that toxic environment and live for yourself. Clean for yourself. Do what you can with what you have, because you must. Control what little parts of life you can. Make the effort. One task at a time. One room at a time. Then build the routine: I cook on these days, I clean on these days, I shower at this time. Budget your time and your money. You will feel better. You will feel better.
Step 3: Diet
I’m not putting this here to say you’re fat. I’m not putting this here to say you’re eating bad food. It’s quite the opposite – I’m bringing this up to make sure you’re eating. At all. Depression can cause such extreme lethargy and apathy that you will simply ignore hunger, or worse – forget to eat. This is not a joke. Yes, I know you’ll stay in bed all day. That means you’ve had nothing to eat or drink. There’s several other factors involved with proper diet. When you get up, when you sleep. Budget. Availability to cook. Appliances. The ability to cook at all. There is no one size fits all.
But you must eat. Even if it makes you feel sick. A protein shake, a smoothie, some soup. Something. There are resources out there, food pantries, shelters – by any means necessary you have to eat to survive. Most importantly, you need to drink water. Water. W A T E R. There are water fountains, like, all over. There have to be. You have some kind of vessel for holding the water. Surely. Then you can drink it. At least 48oz (that’s like three water bottles, you should drink a lot more actually). They can’t charge you for water at Starbucks right? Even then they’re super chill there… it would even get you out of the house.
Ok. So, you do eat. Maybe you eat to fill the void. Maybe you do actually immobilize yourself with food. Just when you’re bored, “it’s something to do”. Here, I truly have to ask: who is giving you food? Are you buying the food yourself? Is someone giving you food? This is not “mindless self indulgence”. Stop and think for a moment – how are you getting access to so much food that you can eat and snack on whatever all day? Can you really afford $30 in door dash daily? Take control. Watch what you eat.
Ok. Ok. It’s not that easy. Your family could be handing you food constantly, trying to fill their void by overfeeding you to make themselves feel better for failing you or something. There’s no telling. Environment is the number one factor here, and all I can say is this: Find a place for yourself, you must have a safe space. It doesn’t have to be within the home. You must endure and reject your enablers. You don’t owe anyone anything, do not get guilted, you know what is best for you – I don’t have to tell you.
Step 4: Exercise
I would hope you don’t need me to explain the chemistry of endorphins to you, but in case you aren’t aware – please read into the wiki linked. Regular daily aerobic exercise is my own personal demon. The stiffness and stagnant lifestyle of double-desk jobs and staring at a screen all day is actually exhausting. Yes, I have LESS energy from being still all day. The longer you sit, the older you get, your circulation will get bad, oxygen won’t go to the brain, your muscles grow weak, and you won’t produce the chemicals your brain needs to maintain its own metabolism.
”A sound soul dwells within a sound mind, and a sound body.” – Maka Albarn, Soul Eater
Yes quite literally you can inhibit your cognitive well being if you do not exercise regularly. “Clear your head.” Without a doubt exercise is the best way. Yes I know, not everyone has the leisure or freedom – or time of day to do so. Maybe you live in an unsafe area. It’s not exactly best to walk alone at night. It’s cold. I can’t afford the gym. Luckily, if you’re reading this, you have access to the internet!!! There are a slew of forums and videos that can help you get started with aerobic exercise. Just get the blood flowing. Raise your heart rate for 30 minutes a day. There’s a coolguy content creater/vtuber I’ve known for… a long time now, that used to be a body builder. Take a look at his video about full body workouts at home with no equipment. Basic starting weights are actually pretty cheap. Resistance bands are fantastic for back pain and stretching your legs. Take care of your body, sharpen your mind, and feel good about yourself.
Step 5: Sleep
Sleep. Go to sleep. Get 8 hours of sleep. Every day. Sleep. At any cost. With no exception. Sleep. Stop what you are doing. Set an alarm. Go to sleep. Oh my god, I can’t sleep though. X keeps waking me up. Y doesn’t let me. My job. My chores. My kids.
How the fuck do I sleep then?? So many of us are glued to that wonderful blue screen all day. Something something blue light exposure. Tools like Twilight and f.lux exist. Modern versions of Windows even have a “nightlight” option built in to adjust monitor temps. I’ve been using f.lux for well over a decade now. It’s reduced my eye strain, and the blaring bluelight of videos on your phone can certainly be reduced with apps now. Speaking of – can you get off your phone? There are apps to limit the time spent on your phone. You can set parental controls on both data and wifi to kick yourself off the internet. You ARE in control of your life. Unless you have kids. Then try to power nap at least… yeah, you can’t “make up sleep” but a thirty minute nap can help most people. And godspeed.
Many turn to melatonin as solution to “getting sleepy” these days. I do not recommend regular use, especially in high doses. Anything above 5mg is CRAZY. The fact that this hormone is sometimes marketed to calm children blows my mind. It is not a “supplement” it is a hormone that you should naturally be producing. If you are attempting to better your life through chemistry, educate yourself and actually regulate your body. Take ACTUAL vitamins – magnesium and zinc help naturally regulate sleep and make you sleep more soundly. That doesn’t mean I don’t advocate for taking melatonin – I’m just saying be careful. I just ordered another bottle of these gummies – 44 for $11. The dose says to take two, but I only take one and can personally attest to sleeping TOO well! And I’m a coffee-lover.
Now I can fall asleep! However if you’re like me and have a spouse, they are snoring, get up at different times, and disturb you. I also have cats that enjoy the sun and open the curtains for me very early in the AM, along with meowing non stop. Would you believe there are two very simple solutions?!? Yes! Ear plugs and an eye mask. Earplugs however, can fucking HURT and dry out your ears. You have to get the right stuff. I recommend these silicone wax pillows, that you can form fit to your ears. Don’t worry, you will hear your alarm. Any silk sleeping eyemask will do! (By the way, you do have a silk pillow case right? It’s so much better for your skin). Eventually, you will naturally get up and fall asleep at the same time every day. Obey the alarm! Salute the sun! And goodnight, moon.
Am I going to be okay?
Sometimes chaging your routine or environment isn’t enough. If that pit, that hole, that emptiness, the hollow in your heart doesn’t go away within 30-45 days please seek professional help. You may need to see a social worker, to get a formal diagnosis, and start a medication. You may need to admit yourself to a psych ward. Thats okay. There, you can be monitored and a routine can be made for you. Medication and therapy can take months to start working. Most importantly, once you start to feel better on a medication – that doesn’t mean “you’re cured” and can stop. You must continue your routine and keep going to therapy so you do not relapse. A professional will always be better to speak to first over friends or family. Only you know how you are feeling. Don’t hesitate, and don’t be ashamed. Once you seek professional help and are feeling better, then open up to friends if you want.
Once you help yourself, maybe then you can try to help others and raise awareness.
In conclusion – life sucks, I want to do things when I want, fuck fuck fuck. Guess what? Acting that way, thinking that way, that is some baby shit. You’re a grown ass adult. My phone? My calendar? My alarms? They run me! They have to. Set alarms! Obey the alarm. Take your meds now. Do your chores now. Budget now. Clean now. Sleep now. Wake now. Shower now. Repeat this monotony and pay your annual taxes in the US until you grow old and die. Hopefully you lived a long and fulfilling life. Wake up. Shower. Brush your teeth. Eat breakfast. Take your meds. Take your vitamins. Start your day. Find time for yourself. Go for a walk. Eat dinner. Go the fuck to sleep. Repeat.
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