I’m indirect. I’m too direct. I push hints. I fake a smile. I try to be nice. I lash out. I don’t care anymore.

Shut up. Leave me alone.

This is what happens cyclically, perhaps once every two to three weeks. The unwarranted anger, hyper focusing, obsessions, all come to a head. I want to do everything, there’s to much to do. I do everything, I want to do nothing. Don’t interrupt me, get out of my way. Why wasn’t this done my way? Why can no one else see what I’m seeing? Even casual things like gaming become chores. How can a player let this happen, the game is in slow motion. I’m focused, I’m in my lane. And boom, something goes wrong. A mess up, minor, whatever. 99% salvageable and shouldn’t result in a lost live. Yet it’s slow motion, I’m out of resources, and I watch players I play with lose around me, in every game. I’m too good, or I’m not good enough. I don’t know, shouldn’t I be able to save them? I always can, I do more than half the time. But if I keep saving them, how will they learn? No one else will adapt. Why do I have to be the one to fix it? Why do you NEED my help anyway?

It’s not just in games. It’s in every day life. People encounter a problem and stop. No one thinks for themselves. No one searches for an answer. Or, people don’t realize there IS a problem, never ask, never notice, and just… live life that way, inefficiently, make their jobs more difficult, stress out, never go the extra mile because they don’t know how and aren’t willing to read. Or maybe they can’t sit down and read. Documentation, statistics, user interfaces, tool tips, graphs, nothing. How could I fail the SAT so hard, particularly the science section then, and have all of this foundation now. What happened? Where did the knowledge come from? I think I just read. I think I just worked with technology long enough to know. Surely, it’s because I’m older. No, I’m just between. Yes, in-between that age. I know too much, and carrying the weight for others is a chore.

I’m annoyed. I’m aggravated. It’s not fun anymore watching people fail day after day. It’s taxing, a visceral terrible feeling to have to endure a persons frustrations and repeated failures due to a simple lack of well, maybe not understanding something as simple as a word. Lingo, nomenclature. What have you. And here I am, with the worst vocabulary, having to google how to spell things half the time. But if I care enough to do that, why does no one else? Do people have such little self worth, such little care about how they perform at a task, a job, and yes even a video game? Is it a skill issue? Is it hard? “Do you find this easy” I’ve been asked. “Yes” I can only reply honestly. Increased workload, extreme attention to detail, confidence in action, effective time management, adaptability. And for what, to listen to people bitch and moan at my job? To complain you’re busy? I don’t think that’s how this works. It’s poor customer experience.

Like you’re a knew customer, and you call a highly rated place. And they say sorry they’re too busy because you’re a new customer. Well, you’re never going back there. There’s different ways to approach these situations, and it’s annoying hearing people approach them in a dismissive, negative way.

I’m no better. I’m stern, blunt, to the point. Patronizing. Yes that’s what it comes off as. I can be direct through text, want expectation, see progress reports, want to set up a meeting, expect full attention. However that’s unrealistic. I have to dance around the subjects. I have to ask how your morning is, how you’re doing. I don’t care. Shut up. Listen. Give me the information I request. Let me analyze it, let me tell you whats missing. Let me tell you the next steps. I can find the gaps, I can help you fill them. But “we don’t like your approach”. It’s not the first time I’ve heard it. Too direct. Yet after months, “here’s what I can do”. “I think I see a way I can improve the situation, here is what I have available”. Well, are you available? Do you have anything to add? Does anyone read what I type? Does anyone hear what I say? Does dropping hint after hint not help? What does it take? There’s no in between. Either you get weeks of jokes and jabs about taking action and doing your job (in a game, in real life tasked at work), or you get a direct approach. This is what is happening. This is what you can do. This is why you do it. This is best practice. I’ve literally written documentation and best practices for years. It’s short, easy to consume, and at the most user friendly level. You can search the document. Here’s a video I made. This is what the button looks like. Nothing.

A friend joked about CRMs/front facing user end web based systems moving UIs around month to month. I wonder if its to keep help desk employed. I wonder if people really are that stupid. “You think they could just press ctrl+f and find it on the page”. You give them too much credit I say. You have to keep training people, every 3 months, twice a year maybe. I can’t use a search bar and do two clicks of an action. It’s pathetic. One of my most recent experiences was working remote with Blackbaud. I won’t go into further detail. But I worked with the most tech incompetent people in my life. “I’m used to people sorting spreadsheets for me”. “You need to stupid proof this for us”. It irked me. It infuriated me. My work was doubted because people didn’t understand the source. And here’s a helpdesk ticket (because I could see all active issues) from a real user trying to use a system and a real help desk agent trying to help them (names have been changed).

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48m 5s ) Shilpa – Blackbaud Support: Hi Scott. Thanks for contacting Blackbaud Customer Support. I am here to help you today and see you have a product related question, please allow me a moment to review.
( 50m 2s ) Shilpa – Blackbaud Support: Good afternoon Scott, hope you’re doing well today!
( 50m 30s ) Shilpa – Blackbaud Support: Can you send a screenshot of what error you’re getting when trying to access the donor’s record?
( 51m 48s ) Scott: No, Sorry I can’t
Agent Shilpa – Blackbaud Support requested a file transfer

( 52m 13s ) Shilpa – Blackbaud Support: I have shared a link through which you can attach the screen shot
( 52m 47s ) Scott: That’s great, but I can’t take a screen shot.

( 53m 59s ) Scott: It says, User not authorized to access information in this field.
( 54m 41s ) Scott: I was manually logged out by a colleague last week (who worked through Customer Service), and now I can’t get back in
( 55m 19s ) Shilpa – Blackbaud Support: So you can not log in to Database view? Can you check that you have right’s to access the Records?
( 55m 43s ) Scott: I absolutely have rights to access the records, or I did last week
( 56m 5s ) Scott: I can log into database view, but I can’t access any records
( 56m 47s ) Shilpa – Blackbaud Support: Can you share a screenshot of your rights?
( 57m 14s ) Scott: Or I should say, I am supposed to have the right to access the records, it may have been changed, but if it was, t was in error I don’t know how to do a screen shot, sorry
( 58m 1s ) Scott: I don’t know where to find that info

( 58m 3s ) Shilpa – Blackbaud Support: You can use windows+ shift +S and then attach it from the attachment in chat box.
( 58m 55s ) Shilpa – Blackbaud Support: In Administration, click Security
Open the appropriate security group.
( 59m 26s ) Scott: Where is administration?
( 59m 56s ) Shilpa – Blackbaud Support: It’s admin in database view home page.
( 1h 0m 26s ) Shilpa – Blackbaud Support: Please can you confirm you’re not able to access records in Web view or Database view?

The online chat is terminated. The user tries again in a few minutes.

( 7m 51s ) Katherine – Blackbaud Support: Hi Scott. Thanks for contacting Blackbaud Customer Support. I am here to help you today and see you have a product related question, please allow me a moment to review.
( 8m 41s ) Katherine – Blackbaud Support: Hope you are well
( 8m 47s ) Katherine – Blackbaud Support: How may I help you?
( 8m 58s ) Scott: Thanks, Katherine. Your colleague directed me to go into task manager to close the frozen RE windows, and I thought it was resolved, but the problem is back, but other than that I’m ok…
( 9m 20s ) Katherine – Blackbaud Support: She asked you to close it from task manager?
( 9m 29s ) Scott: Yes, they did
( 9m 48s ) Katherine – Blackbaud Support: Weird, we do not recommend that
( 9m 53s ) Katherine – Blackbaud Support: Is it freezing?
( 9m 58s ) Katherine – Blackbaud Support: Or it never launches?
( 9m 59s ) Scott: it’s frozen
( 10m 22s ) Scott: can’t get out of it, cant close the windows and have attempted everything I can think of
( 10m 59s ) Katherine – Blackbaud Support: Have you tried terminating the session in web view?
( 11m 6s ) Scott: I can sign off of Blackbaud, but the RE is still frozen
( 11m 6s ) Katherine – Blackbaud Support: Open RENXT
( 11m 13s ) Katherine – Blackbaud Support: Web view
( 11m 55s ) Scott: ok
( 12m 15s ) Katherine – Blackbaud Support: click the stock coin
( 12m 23s ) Katherine – Blackbaud Support: where you click open database
( 12m 34s ) Katherine – Blackbaud Support: the burger icon> database options
( 13m 9s ) Scott: hang on
( 13m 16s ) Katherine – Blackbaud Support: take your time
( 15m 19s ) Scott: I’m not finding that command……….?
( 16m 15s ) Scott: database option
( 16m 31s ) Katherine – Blackbaud Support: What do you see?
( 16m 41s ) Katherine – Blackbaud Support: If you click the coins icon, what do you see?
( 17m 5s ) Scott: Ok, I’ve opened that, then I do what?
( 17m 7s ) Scott: Sorry
( 17m 16s ) Katherine – Blackbaud Support: Under terminate session
( 17m 24s ) Katherine – Blackbaud Support: do you see an active session?
( 17m 48s ) Scott: I click on terminate session?
( 17m 59s ) Katherine – Blackbaud Support: Yes, please
( 18m 27s ) Scott: The ball is throbbing

The call is terminated.

I was never informed the employee no longer worked at the organization. His user account was active for months.

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And it goes beyond this. I want to game to chill out. I like to heal. I should be able to prevent everything. However, I don’t have the tools on this job to take single target preventative measures. And it pisses me off to NO end, that buttons sit there unpressed on other people, that can save lives, buttons that replaces resources that I DON’T HAVE. So I freak out, I rage out. Because I drop hints, for months, over a dumb game, where I literally watch players of all walks just straight up not take these actions. The rare ones that do are far above my level, but after a few runs I no longer try to do extra work and we gain synergy. Trust. I’m not on edge worrying. Then I keep up, I go fast, and for a moment the game is fun. Then it’s over, back to a waiting room. Feet back on the ground. Mid, average, below average. I shouldn’t let this shit bother me. But it does. It fucking does. Press your button, be proactive not reactive. go a step further in life, try harder, read, try to solve your problem. Connect the dots. Recognize a situation. Correlate a minute with a mechanic. Line things up. Create a spreadsheet to track your work at a job. Writing things down takes more time. Slow down when speaking on the phone.

Stop raising your voice.

Shut up.

Everyone is so loud, I can’t hear myself think. I’m just tired and trying to focus. I don’t need medication for this, I’m mentally exhausted every damn day. Yeah, that’s my own problem. My social skills and inability to cope – that’s my problem. But could you take a fucking hint once in a while, wise up to my asking to have one person speak up, the others quiet down. You want me to make calls? You expect me to focus on your work? People can’t figure shit out on a computer. My monitor won’t turn on. The monitors are backwards. It’s flipped. I’m getting an error. I will just walk up and fix it, because it’s annoying enough to have to hear people constantly bitch. It’s not my job, it’s not my problem, but you’re so goddamn annoying I don’t want to tolerate it anymore. Boiling point. Guilt tripping myself. Leave me alone.

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Now, at home, even with my spouse, at the worst times of the month. I don’t want to interact. I get tired. I lash out. Furthermore, I’m sorry, I don’t want to hang out with you when you drink. I don’t want to hang out with you when you’re high. It’s annoying. It’s not fun. I’m tired of playing with gamers who are drunk and high. I’ve had my fucking fill of that shit for years. I was one of them. I was annoying as fuck, unhinged, cringe, “but I play better” right? No, you don’t. Shut up. I’m not interested. Leave me alone. I will NEVER enjoy your company 1 on 1 if you are drunk, if you are high. I’m sorry. I hate it, because it used to be me. Take a hint. Go away. It’s gross. So now I’m patronizing. Never mind my past addictions, fuck the trauma, it’s my responsibility to cope and handle the situation in a reasonable responsible way. So I’m sorry if I miss step to those I care about.

To the strangers – some of you are fucking annoying and more terminally online than I am. I can’t believe I can be remotely silent in a game and get harassed. I have to close chat, block players, because I dare stand still for 30 seconds while I take a drink of water. Get a fucking life. There’s so many idiots online stirring up shit all fucking day. Get off twitter!!! Arguing with actual bots, rage baited, gas lit, brain washed, YOU are a fucking bot. You get publicly shit on for it, too. There’s entire sub reddits dedicated to shit talking players, private blacklists, people who stalk you. What happened to gaming? What the fuck happened to MMOs? Who are these new people? I’M patronizing??? Stop talking to me, don’t talk at me. Shut up, go away, leave me alone.

Yea so I talk to my therapist, that’s right, take a break, get off the internet, read a book, stop playing the game.

I swear to god though, I have to watch my parents drink and smoke themselves to death as it is. Do not come around me with that shit AT ALL. It is GROSS, and I refuse to tolerate it. I do not want to be around you if you are drunk and or high. I don’t! That’s your choice, this is mine! Get over it! Live your life the way you choose, and let me live mine away from the addictions I let go of years ago. Good lord. I hate how normalized substance abuse is. “It’s only once a week or something” yeah whatever, I don’t care. Have wine at a celebration or whatever. Have an edible if you’re ill or suffering a headache or shakes or whatever. Leave me out of it. Or I’ll lash out, you’ll be a victim, you’ll get pissed and yell. It will be my fault, I’ll feel the guilt, I’ll feel like shit, I’ll want to die, I’ll be embarrassed, I’ll be anti social, I’ll disconnect, I’ll run away, I’ll never speak again. All of this could be avoided if people would read, pay attention, try to solve their own problems. I shouldn’t have to ask. I shouldn’t have to repeat myself, I shouldn’t have to repeat myself! Shut up!